When it comes to our butts, we want them to be as pristine as possible, right? And a major part of that is how we wipe and what we choose to wipe with.
Big Toilet Paper wants us to believe that we need the softest toilet paper ever — so it feels like we’re cleansing with clouds — but that can lead to the dreaded dingleberries (as those ridiculous Charmin toilet paper bears like to remind us every chance they get). But TP that’s too thin — like the wispy, cotton-candy-esque half-a-ply stuff our office restrooms offer — just doesn’t get the job done.
So, which toilet paper is the best choice for our precious backsides and how should we approach getting clean?
That’s what we — Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, hosts of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast — asked the don of derrieres, the booty whisperer himself, Dr. Evan Goldstein, when he recently stopped by our studio to chat about how to keep our butts healthy.
“It’s so multifactorial,” Goldstein, a nationally renowned anal surgeon and the author of “Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything In Between,” told us. “There are so many people’s holes that have different textures and consistencies.”
Basically, our butts are like snowflakes: Each one is unique, and their needs depend on a lot of different factors, from our gender to our age.
People who take estrogen or spironolactone — two hormone therapies often taken by cisgender women, transfeminine people and others ― might want to take special care with their butts. “What happens to the skin is that it becomes super thin and fragile,” Goldstein said, so that might make “cushy” TP a better choice.
Other people, he explained, have thicker skin it that area, so “it can take whatever” kind of toilet paper you buy — even the scratchier stuff.
“Some people bring their own toilet paper to work or put it in their locker. You have to figure out what works,” he said.
But more important than the quality of the TP is how you work it — and the single biggest mistake Goldstein says people make is how they wipe.
“We’ve got to get rid of the ‘wipe.’ It should be a pat. Like, a dab,” Goldstein said, reiterating that we should not be creating a ton of friction to get ourselves clean. Too much wiping or wiping too hard can aggravate our butts.
“That goes back to the gut-versus-butt issue,” Goldstein said. If you’re getting enough fiber and staying hydrated, he said, “you shouldn’t really have to wipe.”
And while “mushy ones” will happen, Goldstein advised we still shouldn’t employ vigorous wiping to deal with their aftermath, no matter how necessary it may seem. “The more you do it, the more irritation, the more angry [your butt] gets,” he added.
Instead, he recommended using a bidet or taking a shower if possible, which will fully clean the area without provoking it. Just remember a booty splash always deserves a good dry afterward.
“You don’t want moisture in the space,” Goldstein said.
Another huge mistake? Using wet wipes, which Goldstein originally discussed with us last year during an episode on pooping.
“They are so terrible — not only for the environment, but for your hole,” he said. “There’s so many companies out there throwing wipes and I think they should all be banned. I see 90 people a week [in my surgical office], and I would say one-third of all the people coming through are coming in from wet wipe-induced issues.”
That’s because, unlike toilet paper, a bidet, or showering after pooping, wet wipes can affect our skin’s microbiome.
“Think about it — we have good bacteria, we have bad bacteria, but they are in homeostasis. They are in equilibrium. Wet wipes fuck that in a really bad way,” Goldstein said. “I see ridiculous dermatitis [in my patients], … bacterial infections. … Now that you’ve messed up that microbiome, it’s causing so many problems.”
We also chatted with Goldstein about how to avoid other anal issues, what to do if your hemorrhoids act up and much more. Listen to the full episode here or wherever you get your podcasts.
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For more from Goldstein, visit his website or his Instagram page, and check out Future Method’s Butt & Gut Daily Fiber. You can learn more about his new book, “Butt Seriously,” here.
Need some help with something you’ve been doing wrong? Email us at AmIDoingItWrong@HuffPost.com, and we might investigate the topic in an upcoming episode.